Lodge Luau/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW I asked five of my friends to come out here and give me a hand cutting down this dead tree. They all said sure. Of course, none of them showed up. Makes me glad I never showed up when they asked me to help them out with a chore. Serves them right in advance. But now what I am supposed to do? I mean this this is a two-man saw, right? This thing wobbles more than a politician at a paternity test. And I can't just hack it up into a one-man saw, it's mine. Hmm. I got it! I may not have friends and I may not have pants, but I have imagination. You've heard of a belt sander? Hey, I made a saw-suspender. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Harold wanted to have a big theme weekend to attract tourists up here so we thought we'd go with a baffin island deal. We're going to have tusk carving, and everybody gets a little bag of blubber to chew on. Moose thompson is doing laps of possum lake while people try to harpoon him. Uncle red! You have to clear all your announcements through me. I thought we settled that after the all you can eat roadkill barbeque. Well, that's a dumb outfit for the baffin island festival, harold. You're going to freeze your clam diggers off. No, no, not the baffin island, the big island. What? You mean alcatraz? No, hawaii! Hawaii? Oh, hawaii! Good and how are you? What are the rules for justifiable homicide again, harold? Uncle red, we're going to have hula dancers and surfers, and we're going to be serving poi. Poi? What's that, pie from new jersey? No, no, no, no, no. No, it's a hawaiian dish. People are going to swear they're in waikiki. Harold, convincing tourists that possum lake is waikiki is impossible unless it's nighttime during a lunar eclipse and they've got no sense of smell. No, uncle red, we're having a hawaiian-themed weekend, and that's all there is to it. Please allow me to present you with this lay. Harold, you know, there's something wrong when two guys are getting lays, and one of them's married and the other one's you. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is one free landscaping job from the possum lake correctional facility gardening co-op. Where we give gas-powered lawn equipment to hardened criminals and turn them loose in your backyard. All right, cover your ears there, edgar. Edgar? We're good. Oh, yeah, okay. Okay, red, you've got 30 seconds to get edgar montrose to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, edgar! Edgar! Town council sent you a letter telling you you're making too much... Road damage. Okay, but up around your place I would imagine you get a lot of traffic... Well, not after the road damage. Okay, okay, no, okay. This is a scary sound coming from the basement at night. Grandpa? No, okay. This is something you're not allowed to make in the library. Oh, bombs. No, okay. No, no. In some monasteries they vow not to make... Whoopie? Okay, edgar, you know when people are startled, they'll yell, "what's that..." man doing with the high explosives? Almost out of time, red. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, edgar, whenever you do a demolition job the main complaint you get is, there's just too much... Collateral damage. You know, that really annoys me. Yes! Yes! Yes! Red: So what do you guys think of those reality television shows? Dalton: Reality television, what's that? Mike: Weird, eh, reality television? Sounds like an oxen-moray. Dalton: An oxenmoray? It means two things that don't go together, like oxen and moray eels. Dalton: Oh, I think you mean oxymoron. What's an oxymoron? Well, that's when harold needs his pimple cream on his nose. Reality tv! People don't want to see real. They want to see a bunch of attractive, smart, young people wearing skimpy clothing. I mean real reality television would show a bunch of ugly, middle-aged guys in flannels sitting around complaining about stuff. Who would want to watch that? Actually, I've been on quite a lot of reality television. Crimestoppers and then later on court tv. No, I'm talking about these shows that take a bunch of people and put them on a desert island, and they get them swinging from vines and eating raw spiders, and then one of them pretends to be a millionaire, but he's actually a backhoe operator, and so the bachelorettes will face all their fears and end up getting hired by donald trump. You know, reality. Dalton: That sounds good. Mike: I'll watch anything. Red: No, no, but I'm saying they call that a reality show. It doesn't sound like reality to me. Dalton: Well, so what? Anne marie and I, we got reality. It's bad enough to watch it in person. I certainly wouldn't want to watch it on television. Well, I think you're wrong. I think you and anne marie can do a great reality show. So do I. Now, where would that show run, dalton, on discovery or on the nature channel? You know, based on past experience with anne-marie, I'd have to go with pay-per-view. [ they chuckle ] all right, 50 cents, but that's my final offer. Bye. Anything else? You sure? You know when you were a kid you were a bit of a sucker for any type of sales pitch, so you end up with a whole bunch of stuff you never use, like life jackets or hard hats or a thighmaster or these things you're supposed to stick on your steering wheel. Oh sure, you tried it for a couple of weeks, but then you realized putting an anti-theft device in your car is like posting an armed guard at the city dump. So now you're stuck with all this stuff, but what do you do? You tried the yard sale, but unfortunately, people today are not as gullible as you were. Luckily, on handyman corner, we like to show that useless things can have a purpose too. That's an important message for your wife and kids. For example, this tool box is something I never use. It's way too small for the number of tools I carry, and the tool boxes that are big enough, I can't lift. Instead, I just let my tools roll around in the back of the possum van. It's safe as long as I don't stop too fast and with the brakes on that unit, that's no worry. But rather than throw this tool box into the lake, I keep it here by the fireplace full of all the assembly directions and instruction manuals I don't have time to sit down and read and never will. With these babies, I can start a fire in four different languages. Maybe you've got a couple of kids who are always stealing food from each other at the dinner table. It's usually 'cause they're sitting too close together. So you need an anti-theft device keeping them apart. And did you notice my tablecloth? Just an old road map out of the glove compartment. It's cheap but it looks good and it encourages dinner conversation. Cause when you look at the local towns and recreation areas, it reminds you of the hilarious stories and how you avoided arrest. And when it gets dirty, you just crumple it up, and it can hit the road. You know those smoke detectors you have in the ceiling, the ones where you haven't changed the batteries since the '80s? Well, they make dandy doorstops. And you know how the kids go out the screen door and never close it? Well, hey, that's what a thighmaster's for. [ applause ] now, if you're the kind of handyman I am, you probably also have a hard hat that you never use, because protecting your head is, again, like posting an armed guard at the city dump. Instead, fill it up with water. Makes a dandy bird bath. And a pair of safety goggles makes a real good bird feeder. As for those life jackets that never leave the boathouse, wrap them around the cooler. They add to the insulation, and if you ever get hit with a flash flood, at least the beer'll be safe. For me, nothing says summer like hearing a thighmaster making my screen door slam, while the birds are swimming in my hard-hat and I enjoy a brewski lying safely in my hammock made of seat belts. [ applause ] there comes a time in the life of almost every guy when he's gonna need glasses. He's usually the last one to see it coming. Along with the stop sign, the elderly crossing guard and the lawsuit. You can tell if you need glasses. If you squint so often your wife keeps asking if you're constipated, that's a clue. And when it comes, choose your frames wisely. Some frames complement your face, others crack a joke about it. Very disappointing to purchase a pair of bifocals and the first thing you can see clearly is everybody laughing at you. Now, you can't tell what's good and bad until you see them on you. A big pair of black frames might make your buddy look like henry kissinger, but they make you look like orville redenbacher. Or those small, round frames make your brother look like john lennon, but make you look like that granny who carries tweety bird around. You want to choose the frames based on the shape of your head. You may even need a range of different styles because maybe your head changes shape, after a compliment or a party or a skiing accident. Only get frameless glasses if you have a shapeless head. The best thing, consult your wife. You're going to get her opinion anyway, right? You get a lot more points if you ask for it first. But whatever you do, don't get contact lenses. I mean, at our age the fingers aren't steady enough to cut a bagel. You really don't want to be touching the eyeball. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] wow, the big hawaiian-themed weekend is really starting to take off. We changed the name of possum lake to alottalakawata. And tonight's the big luau where we cook a pig in the ground there. Picking the spot is the tricky part because most of the holes on the lodge property used to have an outhouse over them. Oh, uncle red, yeah? They brought the pig over. Yeah. I mean, it's dead, but it's got a head and everything! I mean everything. It's got it all. Yeah, yeah. You know, I think it's going to sit up and suddenly go, porky pig that's all, folks! Everything! Harold it's not the lodge mascot, it's dinner, okay? The pig prefers to be dead. I wouldn't be surprised if it committed suicide. Well, that's another thing, you don't know how to cook a luau pig. I never missed one episode of hawaii five-o, harold. You dig a hole. You stick the pig in there. We're going to drain the oil out of buster's '74 aries, crank her at full throttle until the motor blows up, drop the red hot engine parts in the pork, cover the whole shebang with our wet bathing suits. What do you got to say about that? Book em, dan-o. That reminds me, junior singleton recommended this hawaiian girl singer. I think she's a distant relative of don ho. Remember that hawaiian crooner? ♪ tiny bubbles, in the bath ♪ remember that guy? Oh, that'd great, that'd great. You know who I booked? You know who I booked? shuddering I got a hula dancer. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Yeah, she's going to be dancing with the dancing stuff. Harold, harold. She's got all the stuff -- harold, you're supposed to watch the hands. I know. Yeah, I know. I'm going to videotape her dancing so I can watch the hands later. All right, then. Yup. Harold, harold. Yes? Don't tell me you're the surfer. Girls love those guys. Have you ever surfed before, harold? I surf the internet all the time. Okay, but don't hit the dock, or you'll be spam. It's true. Red: Pretty windy day out behind the lodge, but -- watch your head. Ooh! Walter and bill are going to do a little mini-putting. We got the -- we got the one hole. You do one hole 18 times, it's a lot cheaper. And I'm not sure if this is going to work out. I was just trying to cut the lawn, but I noticed the grass is blowing away as fast as I was cutting her. So walter's going to give it a try and just as he putted up there, a gust of wind came along, blew up the end of the mini-putt. That was unfortunate. So I guess now it's bill's shot. Just get him out of the way there and -- so bill's going to try her again, and now he's kinda expecting another gust of wind might come along so he ducks and thinking that was a good move. Not so. So now the wind is really coming up. Tornado warning, I'm thinking to myself, are you serious? Apparently, yes. So I say to the guys, hey guys, forget the game. There's a tornado coming and we got stuff everywhere. We got to get the yard all cleaned up, and I think the best thing -- walter, walter, you clean up the yard. Bill and I will go and hide somewhere. C'mon, bill. So walter starts picking -- now the wind is really starting, and you can feel it just starting to twist and turn a little bit. Then -- watch out for the rake. Oh, boy. And he gets as much as he can get, and he's heading for the shed, and boy, it's getting serious there now. There it's coming right across the field. Wow! And so bill and I are going to go into the barn there -- bill is beating on the -- what's his problem? I open the door and let him in, but he didn't seem interested, so to heck with it. It's not locked, bill. There we go. And the wind just took it right off. That's gone. And walter, he decided to abandon the lawn chairs and the barbeque and everything and just get inside the -- unfortunately, with this shed, it has a lock on the outside only. And the tornado's getting real close now. It's getting pretty scary, and you've never seen anything like this. Bill was shocked. Shocked to the point that he brought his video camera out and got a little footage. And it picked up the lawn mower and dropped it right down on the lawn and started cutting the lawn as if there was -- it was just spooky. And then suddenly it was quiet, which I didn't mind actually. We come out round looking for walter. Where's walter? Then we realize, he's in the shed and bill wanted to let him -- and I said hang on a minute, wait, wait. Hold it, bill. Wait, wait. Hold it, whoa, yeah. We got - the lawn's been cut up here. Let me try this golf ball. Let's see if I can undo it with a golf ball. Oh, look at that, unbelievable. So we're all safe. We think everything is good. But we had forgotten about the lawn mower. Excuse us a minute. [ applause ] reminds me of that time I parked in moosejaw. You know, defrosting your freezer is like picking spaghetti off the ceiling. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets. You single guys know what I'm talking about. What we need here is a solution that's just like the girls you dream about... Quick and easy. I'm just kidding, bernice. Because at my age, the only thing I find that's quick and easy is a microwave oven. You get yourself one of these smaller units. Oh. And then just gently remove the door. Next you want to jam something into the locking mechanism on the front of the unit so the machine will think the door is actually closed. Ah, here we go. I suggest you use something plastic, eh? We want this to be safe. Okay, I set the timer for five minutes and plugged her in, that's all you -- oh, by the way, remember a couple of weeks ago I tried to make a tanning bed by putting a microwave into a freezer? Doesn't work, she won't brown. [ bell rings ] oh, mission accomplished. [ applause ] you know, when you try new things you learn stuff. For example, I never realized that a pig was that flammable. Of course, all those engine parts covered in transmission fluid didn't help, and that old oak tree took a lot of fire damage. Oh, no, it's fine, harold. Shouldn't you be out surfing? I'm not leaving until that fire's out. What do you care? You're on possum lake. That's what's on fire! No, harold, I put it out. You're fine. Way you go. Yeah? They're waiting for you. They love you. The girls love that, harold. Oh, boy. Meanwhile, our luau pig was a bit of a burn out. Once she cools down, I figure we'll have 700 pounds of pork rinds. Hopefully we had better luck with the entertainment. Our clientele has no appreciation of art. What happened to the real hula dancer, mike? Well, there was a contract dispute. She wanted one. I bet the audience was a little disappointed. Yeah! They all boo'ed and hissed me, and then one smart guy came at me with a weed whacker. Oh, boy. I hope you didn't let him get away with that. Oh no, I sent him a very clear message. But in keeping with the hawaiian motif, I said it all with my hands. Very good. Actually it was just one finger. Okay, okay. All right. Away you go, away you go. Away you go down to the meeting. Away you go. Away you go. Better get that off, it's crab grass season. More trouble, red. What? You had a misunderstanding with the girl singer. The one related to don ho? Yeah, no. That was only your interpretation. The message said she's a ho. [ creaking sound ] oh, I think that big oak's going to fall in the lake. Ah, doesn't matter. It won't hurt anybody. Except harold. He's still out there on that surfboard! Yeah, but the tree's not going to hit him. No, but the tidal wave might! [ huge crash and splashing ] oh, man! Surf's up! So's the surfer! [ screaming ] [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, I think harold's already down there. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm going to try and keep the luau going. I'm hoping you'll have a little milkshake, or as they call it in hawaii, a tiny muu-muu. And to the rest of you thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] guys, c'mon in. Sit down. Everybody, meeting's coming to order. Everybody, sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your head for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to... I guess. Okay, men. We're going to abandon the hawaiian thing and we're going for a jamaican theme, because we got the pork, and we got the jerk. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com